CAC Director Offers Advice On Helping Kids Deal With Traumatic Events

FULTON, NY – In the wake of the traumatic death of a 21-month-old girl in Syracuse (and her father’s admission that he is responsible), many parents of young children are wondering how to help their children come to grips with the news.

“Anytime something tragic and scary happens, we always encourage parents to talk directly and honestly to their kids with enough information to address their fears, but not too many details that it will scare them more,” said Karrie Damm, the executive director of the Child Advocacy Center of Oswego County.

Parents should take into account the child’s maturity level and ability to handle emotional news, she added.

For example, in a situation like this, if a child is very sensitive (ie. prone to nightmares, might perseverate on it over and over), a parent might want to put on a different child friendly radio or television show that is not discussing the tragedy.

“There is no need to create fears when none presently exist. Yet, we also encourage parents to follow the children’s lead and say something like, ‘I know you have been hearing some things on the news about a little girl who was missing and who is now deceased. Do you have any questions about that?’”Damm told Oswego County Today.

When you follow their lead, you will be able to tell them what they need to know and not more, she explained.

“It is important not to patronize kids or treat them as unintelligent; they pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for,” Damm cautioned. “So be direct, answer their questions, and when a parent doesn’t know an answer, they could turn the question around and ask the child, what do they think? That helps to promote an open and honest discussion without increasing fears.”

A discussion like this may bring up issues about spirituality, ie., What happens when we die?  What happened to her when she died?

It is important to answer those questions based on the family’s own belief structure, culture and religion, according to Damm.

And of course, the question that is difficult for the most intelligent and emotionally stable of adults, why would a child’s father do something like this to his own child?

The answer to that is, sometimes people do terrible things to other people, out of anger, out of fear, because they are not thinking clearly, because they are using drugs, because they are mentally ill (i.e., their brains are not working right, just like sometimes our bodies don’t work right when we have cancer or diabetes, etc.), for a lot of different reasons. And, sometimes, we just don’t know why.

“But the most important thing for a parent to tell their child is that they are safe,” Damm stressed. “Their mommy or daddy would not do that to them and that their family will work together to make sure that nothing happens to them. Or, if it does, they are to tell right away so they can make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

It is nice to send wishes, blessings, prayers, and good energy into the world to help drive out the evil things that people do, but taking little children to a death site is a touch morbid, Damm said.

“The child may forever associate that site with a child’s death, and that leaves a mark that does pay homage to the little girl – but in the worst of ways, it leaves an indelible mark that something bad happens here,” she said. “Perhaps it might be better to make cards for the surviving family members and make donations to appropriate agencies or causes that are relevant to the situation.  It is human nature to want to take action so that we can feel a little bit more powerful and in control of a situation that definitely was out of our hands. And, I think the best that we can do is be good neighbors and help kids feel safe, especially after a tragedy like this one.”

The CAC office is located at 301 Beech St., Fulton.

For more information, call 315-59-CHILD.

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